For as long as I can remember, I have not been a morning person. I usually wake up grumpy and everything around me tends to annoy me. Sounds, movements, comments, expectations -they all seem overwhelming and just plain rude.
When I was younger, I believed that being a crank was just my personality. However, I recently dicovered that I am not a miserable person, I just have a dysregulated nervous system. And when you’ve had a dysregulated nervous system for over 40 years, it takes some serious work to regulate it.
This is where mindfulness comes in. I used think mindfulness was just about meditation, but when I learned it means noticing things and being in the present, everything changed. At first I coudn’t believe how long I had been living my life without noticing things. I never realized how disconnected I was from my body or how I am hard-wired to avoid things that make me uncomfortable. But when I started to be mindful, I slowly became aware of my mind-body connection and I could start to sit with discomfort in small doses.
Although I would love to begin everday with a 20 minute meditation, I don’t. But I do some form of meditation everyday and I make a conscious effort to live each day as mindfully as possible. I try to use social media as a way to motivate me, but too much scrolling always leads to an increase in my anxiety so I limit myself to keeping my feeds as mindful as possible.
The most important part of my mindfulness practice is the amount of grace I give to myself now. I used to treat myself horribly. In fact, I would never have talked to a friend or a loved one the way I used to talk to myself. Now, I live each day in the moment. Some days are productive and filled with meditations, yoga, and writing. Other days I feel off and can’t seem to get out of my own head. The difference between the old me and the new, is that now I am grateful for both types of days. I have accepted that the good days cannot exisit without the bad. I envision myself floating along at sea, remaining unbothered by the changing surf. It took me a long time to get to this point but I feel that it is important that I share the little things I do each day that keep me moving forward in my mindfulness journey.
The first thing I do each day is begin with gratitude. Every morning when I wake up I say to myself: Thank you God for my beautiful life. Full disclosure, I used to hear Oprah say she did that and thought it was ridiculous. But I now make a conscious effort to say it to myself instead of letting my intrusive thoughts take charge.
The next thing I do is shake. I hear Taylor Swift’s “Shake it Off” in my head and I shake away all the stagnant energy within and around me. I often have to shake later in the day after I’ve been around toxic people or in a toxic situation. Just as a dog shakes after laying in one position for too long, I too shake to recalibrate.
The latest thing I’ve noticed myself doing is taking a moment to reset. I am very quick to lose my temper and living with two teenagers definitely tests my patience. So, when I find myself getting heated or saying something I regret, I immediately stop and place my hand on my heart. I pay attention to my breathing and I give myself grace. I no longer get upset with myself becuse that just makes things worse. Instead, I notice how I am feeling and just sit with it, My meditation practice has given me the muscle memory to sit in discomfort for a longer period of time, but even just a minute or two counts. Any attempt at mindfulness counts. Even if it seems silly, even if I get distracted, even of I feel judged -it all still counts.
My last takeaway for today is that you can still be you and be mindful. I used to think that because I am a type A, controlling, neurotic that I could never be zen. Even though I didn’t fit the profile, I desperately wanted to feel the inner peace of someone I would call a “free-spirit.” I’ve chosen to put the labels aside and just let myself exisit. Some days I feel full of joy and ready to take on the world, other days I feel unmotivated and exhausted but either way, I’m proud of myself fo both.
